Wednesday, January 4, 2012

New on DVD | Apollo 18 (R)

Moonage Nightmare
In space, no one can hear you scream… unless there are cameras everywhere
At 6 years old I was already a certified junior space geek, familiar and fascinated with roaring rockets and cramped space capsules with control panels covered in tantalizing buttons. That was the year Alien first came out, and when I saw ads for the new movie, which featured all the above elements, I quite naturally assumed together a plot that seemed both incredibly cool and, to my nerdy little mind, a little ridiculous. Space monsters vs. astronauts I was on board with, but crammed into a module the size of a couple of phone booths? What do you take me for, a five-year-old? So imagine my surprise when I heard about Apollo 18, with a concept so similar to the one I so astutely misperceived decades ago—alien menace on a broom closet scale.
Apollo 18 only shares one or two traits with Ridley Scott’s definitive sci-fi thriller; all its remaining traits it borrows or steals outright from The Blair Witch Project. In the same choppy, cinema-vérité fashion, it submits for your approval a previously unknown horror story, assembled from raw “found footage” and narrated by its increasingly frazzled subjects, which has only now been wikileaked into the public consciousness by an anonymous source. In this case, it is a decades-old conspiracy the opposite of the faked moon-landing scenario—a government cover-up of an Apollo mission launched in secret months after the US had already won the Space Race by forfeit.
The film faithfully recreates a lunar mission with realistic film stock, authentic costumes and equipment and the familiar cadenced techno-babble of the era’s pioneering space cowboys. Between those exchanges, the Apollo 18’s earnest, All-American crew, pilot John Grey (Ryan Robbins) and lunar explorers Nathan Walker (Lloyd Owen) and Ben Anderson (Warren Christie), engage in vague banter about families left behind and the official lies they were required to tell to keep their mission from the world. After touching down on the Moon, Anderson and Walker get to work gathering some rocks and setting up camera equipment for the military. It is through these lenses that evidence emerges of something alien and sinister—and perhaps not entirely unknown—waiting for us on the Moon’s surface.
As in Blair WitchParanormal Activity and many other recent thrillers, the grainy gaze of “real” cameras is essential to this story. Director Gonzalo López-Gallego uses the now-traditional shaky camera work to disorient the audience and long, uninterrupted static shots to funnel and misdirect their attention for maximum “boo” effect. He overuses some effects, though, and Apollo 18 often suffers from “artifact” overload—a barrage of random noises, static and audio interference, overexposures, film breaks and jump cuts, meant to keep the audience on its toes that, in fact, becomes increasingly intrusive and annoying.
In general, supernatural thrillers aren’t my cup of tea, but I’ll admit that Apollo 18 worked pretty well on me—I felt the tension as it mounted and was genuinely spooked when I was supposed to be. This can’t hope to be a game changer in the vein of Blair Witch or Jaws or The Exorcist—since going to the moon isn’t quite as common a human experience as going camping or swimming or taking a shortcut in Georgetown. But with technical adeptness and a pretty interesting concept (if I do say so my six-year-old self), it succeeds despite, or perhaps because of, its claustrophobic scale.

Apollo 18 is now available on DVD, Blu-Ray and for rental on iTunes and Amazon Instant Video. A version of this review of the theatrical release first appeared on chesapeakefamily.com.


Friday, July 10, 2009

Movie Review | Brüno

Okay, so I haven't posted in a while. I'm sorry. My life involves a lot of very intense thinking, and it sometimes gets in the way of, you know, doing. It's a thing.

Anyway, Brüno is a movie about penises that I think very few of you will enjoy. Its occasional satirical brilliance is overshadowed by, well, penises. Nonetheless, I managed to write eight hundred words about it without once using the word "penis". Enjoy, and...


forgive my flagging attention

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Movie Friday | Star Trek

It is in the event of films like Star Trek that I remember why I really like being a film critic. Obviously, there're the free, advanced screenings; but mostly it's because I have a venue for being expansive and analytical in an open forum, rather than just spilling the contents of my brain all over whoever is unlucky enough to ask, "What did you think?"

I really liked Star Trek, and though I don't necessarily know you, I think you'll like it to.


thanks for paying attention

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Movie Tuesday | 17 Again (Chesapeake Family)

Permit me a moment to talk about how pretty Leslie Mann is.

She's really, really pretty.

She's in 17 Again, with some other people, one of whom is apparently quite popular with the youngsters. I review the film this week on chesapeakefamily.com.

(Apologies to Judd Apatow, who's having quite the life--lucky bastard.)


thanks for paying attention while i fumble and fawn

Monday, March 23, 2009

TV Review | Frakking Up Is Hard to Do: Battlestar Galactica's Series Finale

How could a show that was so gritty and challenging descend so quickly into bathos and implausibility? Have them go camping. Check out a few of my many thoughts on the Battlestar Galactica series finale at my new television blog Pan & Scan.


thanks for paying attention

Friday, March 20, 2009

Film Review | Race to Witch Mountain (Chesapeake Family)

My review of Race to Witch Mountain, late but not never. More cultural-criticism fun can be had at my new blog Pan & Scan, which focuses on the shrinking television wasteland. Check it all out.


thanks for paying attention

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

TV Review | Amateur Hour: Late Night with... who, again?

I and my friend Kristen have been working slowly (oh so slowly) on a new blog focusing specifically on television, and even more specifically on all the things we know about television that you don't. It's in its infancy, this media empire of ours, but so far we've set a little of our minds out on display, mine in the form of this critique of Jimmy Fallon's faltering go at Late Night.

More cocksure opinionizing to come.


thanks for splitting your attention

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Movie Tuesday | Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li

Kick, punch... it's all in the mind. Read the review of Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li, then skip the movie. (Then read the review again, and a few others, and then maybe click on an ad or two. C'mon, I gotta eat.)

Comments will sweep the leg, Johnny.


thanks for paying attention

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Movie Tuesday | Fired Up!

Fired Up! is not a cheerleader movie in much the same way that Scarface is not a cocaine movie. It may be that neither item is a subject, per se, but both are the prime motivators of the gluttonous heroes and the objects of single-minded, pathological and, at times, implausible consumption.

I don't have anything nearly as pithy to say in my actual review of the film; I just came up with that now. Oh, well.

Comments will tick tick tick BOOM go the fireworks!


thanks for paying attention

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Movie Tuesday | Coraline

The last movie I saw in 3-D was Jaws 3, twenty-six years ago. Coraline was better. Read all about it at chesapeakefamily.com/Movie Reviews.

Also, check out Kristen Page-Kirby's clever-clever-clever review of He's Just Not That Into You. (My reduplication there is a sign of my lingering jealousy of anyone who can unclench and just wite a funny review. Okay, therapy over.)

Comments will be loved to death.


thanks for paying attention

Saturday, January 31, 2009

Movie Tuesday | Inkheart

Up late (totally my fault) on the Movie Tuesday blog is my review of Inkheart.

Comments will be transported to a dream world of magic, Lazy-Sunday-style.

I'll be off next Tuesday. My editor and colleague Kristen Page-Kirby will be reviewing New In Town, starring Renee Zellweger--and believe me, I can't thank her enough for taking that one off my hands.


thanks for paying attention

Chaos quelled

It appears that many of the links on the Chesapeake Family website have been repaired. The Movie Tuesday blog page now includes several of the most recent reviews, rather than just the most recent. At the bottom of that page is an index containing all the reviews published so far. Do me a solid and please let me know if you ever have any problems accessing reviews.


thanks for keeping attention

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Where's Weirdo?

As you, my legions of fans, may have noticed, there seems to be some trouble with the hot links leading to my latest reviews on the Movie Tuesday blog. Links here on The Weird Turn Pro have also been affected, with many items in my Writings column being redirected to the Chesapeake Family Magazine home page. Please know that our parenting publication juggernaut is working hard to correct the problem, and that soon the world will once again nod in hypnotized union at my droll assessments of contemporary tours-de-force like Inkheart and Paul Blart: Mall Cop.

In the meantime, perhaps you might enjoy perusing the back issues. Posted on the current Movie Tuesday page are several recent reviews stretching back to this past Thanksgiving. At the bottom of the page is a helpful menu with links to every review published so far, allowing you to dive into the stacks and rediscover some of the classics: The Dark Knight, High School Musical 3, Disaster Movie, and many more.

Please don't give up on us; we're still here offering sweet comfort to those who, through half-hearted suggestion, news feed intrusion, or distracted typing error, come upon our blog. So watch this space--there's more to come.


thanks for waning attention

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Movie Tuesday | Paul Blart: Mall Cop

Back like a bad penny to the Movie Tuesday blog this week. This time out it's Paul Blart: Mall Cop.

That's right; this is my job.


Comments will drop the knife and back slowly away from the woman who stopped you mid-stride and tried to sell you hand cream.


thanks for paying attention

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Movie Tuesday | The Tale of Despereaux

If you see only one politically conscious, soup-oriented rodent fable this year... you'd better hurry, 'cause this year ends, like, next Wednesday. To suss out your options, check out my review of The Tale of Despereaux on the Movie Tuesday blog at ChesapeakeFamily.com.

Comments will put the "boo-yah!" in bouillabaisse.

Have happy holidays.


thanks for paying attention

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Movie Tuesday | The Day the Earth Stood Still

Up now on the Movie Tuesday blog is my review of The Day Keanu Stood Still.

Comments will teach the earth a valuable lesson, or some such crap.


thanks for paying attention

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Stuff I Wish I'd Done | Catch the Frak Up!

"Catch the Frak Up!" is a video recap of the last four seasons of Battlestar Galactica, and it's Something I Wish I'd Done, damnit.

First of all, get off your high horse--Battlestar Galactica is excellent TV. It is easily the most sophisticated sci-fi series ever made, and like nothing that's been on television before, genre or otherwise. It's what you'd get if you let Joseph Conrad write Star Trek after getting high and watching soap operas with Philip K. Dick. There's no room for whimsy here--no lasers, no growling space bears and no velour onesies. People smoke and drink, lie and fight and play cards. Some dude fucks the wrong girl and the world ends. And then things get really bad. It's frakkin' awesome.

Anyway, the folks at scifi.com put this thing together to help people get a handle on the story. The 13-minute film surveys the entire sixty-five-episode broadcast run, with all of its shifting alliances and snaking storylines. Faster-than-light editing efficiently puts weird names to pretty faces while shuffling us through the sweaty intimacy, quaking cinema-verite and gunmetal hues of the show's palette.

Catch the Frak Up!, Part 1 [8 min. 9 sec.]




The narration (my chief creative woulda-coulda) is deadpan perfection--a caffeinated stream of minimalist snark that manages to evoke the clicking chatfests of the nerderatti with only a touch of technojargon and not one whiff of fanboy elitism.

Catch the Frak Up!, Part 2 [5 min. 2 sec.]




The show's makers, mavens and marketers are shrewdly extending an olive branch to the uninitiated, leaving the screen door cracked for neophytes and stragglers who might have otherwise gone home. Diehard fans might slurp up every drop in one sitting, while new and lapsed viewers are free to linger, unfolding layers of subtlety and gathering precious tokens of geek-chic cred. Catch the Frak Up! works either way, bringing the new and confused down to Earth (hee...) for the big finale.

And I wish I'd done it.


thanks for paying attention

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Movie Review | Australia

Here is my review of a hefty slab of poundcake called Australia. As Crocodile Dundee might say, it is not a knife--I just couldn't muster the energy necessary to articulately pan the thing. Tryptophan indifference, call it.

Comments will be spared the barbie.


thanks for paying attention (and special thanks to those who paid attention in person at my birthday thingie last night)

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Movie Review | Bolt

My job requires that I take in several cute animal pictures a year. Bolt was cute, and it has a puppy, but the reason to go is the hamster. Read all about it on the Movie Tuesday blog. Also, check out Kristen's droll and insightful analysis of Twilight, admirably achieved from within a crowd of screaming fourteen-year-old girls.

Comments will beg the question, "Who's a good boy? Who's a good, good boy?" (They can't all be winners people.)


giving thanks for paying attention

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Links repaired

I've repaired the "Writings" links in yonder right-hand column. The begrudging perusal and tepid praise of my work may now resume.


thanks for paying attention